It took me 12 months to gather enough will to step into the unknown, to drop into the abyss with blind faith, and with flaying arms fall to land ever so gently into the arms of surrender.
When I initially navigated my way through the Shematrix website, the words made no sense, in fact it could’ve been written in a different language for all I cared – I simply didn’t understand a single word despite spending a good portion of my life as a seeker. Yet something within me stirred, something I couldn’t quite name and a spark was ignited that cultivated over the coming months.
My reckoning had finally arrived, and I was burning… It’s day one of The Gift, and I am sitting in the morning’s first circle with other women. I felt like a frightened little child, not the woman my physical appearance or chronological age displayed – I felt like a fraud.
My body ached deeply as I, with privilege, witnessed women speak their undeniable truth, with my own longing to share and to connect unconditionally previously denied.
Having battled to trust, to let go without fear of judgment, ridicule or retaliation, bruised and weary I laid down my sword and collapsed, wept and howled. Now when I read the website, I get it. I continue to carry my sword, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without it, but how I carry and wield it has changed, knowingly and compassionately.
I deeply honour the work, and am often humbled when attempting to articulate what The Gift has profoundly offered to me, and how it continues to sustain me. However meek my words may be, I embody my love and devotion to it by revisiting the space at least once a year, whether as an honouring to myself, or in service to others, and with reverence I have continued this commitment 5 years on.
I bow in awe and gratitude to the Shematrix creators, the guardians, and to the women and men with courageous spirit in choosing to step into unknown terrain. And most importantly, I bow to my-self.
I am so blessed.
I have been involved with Shematrix for many years, having attending numerous Gifts, Days of Rites and circles. Sitting with well over one hundred women in sacred space sharing joy, fear, ecstasy, agony, peace and connections of the Spirit that are simply beyond words.
I have seen myself reflected in over one hundred pairs of eyes, over one hundred faces of indescribable beauty, heard my words in over one hundred breathtakingly sweet voices. I have over one hundred mommies, over one hundred daughters, over one hundred sacred beloved sisters. We dance in the vastness of a temple without walls. The music of our souls animates our tender women’s feet as they move and turn, finding new, deeper connections with the earth, growing indestructible roots into the mother who birthed us all.
I see all your faces now as clearly as drops on a blade of grass in the rising sun. I see one enormous circle expanding to eternity. I see your face, her face, my face, each smile a gateway to grace as she stirs us in her sacred mixing bowl, so many delicious ingredients, so many singularly delightful flavours. Turning, folding, blending, kneading, then tenderly baking us into a single loaf of simple humble bread to offer at her table to feed the hungry souls of this world.
Love & Namaste
Like so many women I grew up in a society that expects (however silently) that women stay less than. Sure we can fight to find our own areas of prowess, but the underlying belief was always that the status quo reflected how things had always been. Men and the masculine ruled. Women helped.
When I participated in this first intiation into my Self, it was revealed clearly to me – not as an idea but as an actuality – how this distortion is bedded into our culture, and how we learn to fear our feminine nature. And since this participation, repeated many many times… well it’s different.
The feminine is the ground both in men and women, I feel that now. The deep connection of women with the earth and with their knowing, particularly as it shows up in sacred space is apparent and awesome.
Living with the truth in my body means I can sit freely in what I experience. I am in touch with the mystery right here. Thank you!