It took me 12 months to gather enough will to step into the unknown, to drop into the abyss with blind faith, and with flaying arms fall to land ever so gently into the arms of surrender.

When I initially navigated my way through the Shematrix website, the words made no sense, in fact it could’ve been written in a different language for all I cared – I simply didn’t understand a single word despite spending a good portion of my life as a seeker. Yet something within me stirred, something I couldn’t quite name and a spark was ignited that cultivated over the coming months.

My reckoning had finally arrived, and I was burning… It’s day one of The Gift, and I am sitting in the morning’s first circle with other women. I felt like a frightened little child, not the woman my physical appearance or chronological age displayed – I felt like a fraud.

My body ached deeply as I, with privilege, witnessed women speak their undeniable truth, with my own longing to share and to connect unconditionally previously denied.

Having battled to trust, to let go without fear of judgment, ridicule or retaliation, bruised and weary I laid down my sword and collapsed, wept and howled. Now when I read the website, I get it. I continue to carry my sword, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without it, but how I carry and wield it has changed, knowingly and compassionately.

I deeply honour the work, and am often humbled when attempting to articulate what The Gift has profoundly offered to me, and how it continues to sustain me. However meek my words may be, I embody my love and devotion to it by revisiting the space at least once a year, whether as an honouring to myself, or in service to others, and with reverence I have continued this commitment 5 years on.

I bow in awe and gratitude to the Shematrix creators, the guardians, and to the women and men with courageous spirit in choosing to step into unknown terrain. And most importantly, I bow to my-self.